Husbands are fragile, especially at our age. I have received several reminders of this fact during the past few weeks. Within days of each other, the husbands of two friends began chemotherapy for advanced cancer. Their families are determined and upbeat, but terrified nonetheless. Then just this week, another friend suddenly lost her husband to a heart attack at age sixty-three. OG is sixty-four and reminds me daily that he's a delicate flower. That was funny when neither of us believed it; it's not so funny now.
The hardest lesson of aging is coming to grips with your own mortality. I think this is especially difficult for men. For the first few decades, they live as if there's no tomorrow, as if they're immortal. When youth and strength begin to fade sometime in mid-life, the process can be slow at first and easily ignored or discredited by excuses, but by sixty it's impossible to deny. That piece of furniture or machinery they once lifted with ease seems to have doubled in weight. They can no longer run that extra mile without gasping for breath. Aches and pains show up with increasing regularity.
I don't know about your husband, but OG is not going gently into that good night. He's resisting with every fiber of his being. As a result, he's racking up injuries that will likely be with him for the rest of his life, and that's hard to accept. Last spring, we bought him a new (very heavy) barbecue. Instead of asking a neighbor or waiting for me to help, he unloaded it from the back of his truck alone and dragged it up the sidewalk to the patio by himself. The result was bilateral rotator cuff tears that have resisted physical therapy and my not be amenable to surgery. Last month, he replaced the glass door in our shower. To get it to fit properly, he had to reduce the width of one of the long, metal pieces with his grinder. He was too angry and impatient to wear hearing protection, despite my pleas, and now he has relentless tinnitus that may never improve.
I'm frustrated because he refuses to take care of himself, but I understand. It's very hard for a man to admit he's no longer young, strong, and immortal. All I can do is love him and do my best to make the transition to this new phase of life easier and more palatable. It isn't easy and is only likely to get worse. Maybe that's why the stereotype of grumpy old men continues to ring true.
What about you? Have you got any secrets to aging gracefully?
I don't have a husband, Alison, but these issues apply to all of us. Facing the facts of diminishing capability is tough for anyone. I continually find myself frustrated when I can't do as much as I set out to do. The plans seem perfectly reasonable until I get moving and find myself straining or tiring in half the time I think reasonable. I do my best to treat both my frustration and limitations with compassion and adopt an attitude of taking things one step at a time.
ReplyDeleteI feel exactly the same way, Naomi. I'm always surprised when I can't do what I think I should be able to do the way I should be able to do it.
DeleteOh, Alison, I totally hear you on this. My "OG" is 62 and while he's not, so far, the least bit fragile he is the same age is father was when he passed away in 1990. And he does talk like he's invincible. I know you and I share one of those friends you mentioned and that definitely changed my behavior the last few days. I tend to like writing very late at night and often will kiss hubby good night and stay up. Not the last two nights! I don't have secrets to aging gracefully. The best I can say is to stay active and not get sedentary. There does have to be a little common sense attached to it, however :-D Thanks for the reminder to hug our loved ones!
ReplyDeleteSometimes it takes a sobering reminder to prod us to recognize and appreciate those closest to us. I'm sure my recent behavior has puzzled OG, but he's not complaining.
ReplyDeleteHi, Alison: I don't know if your hubby is willing to take nutritional supplements (e.g.: green and red powders; curcumin; vitamin D3; green tea; a really topnotch vitamin-mineral supplement; nutrients that will help his joints like glucosamine, msm, etc.; supplements for bone health like calcium, magnesium, vitamin K2, boron (because guys can get osteoporosis, too, even though it usually occurs about a decade later than we women often get it); CoQ10 and L-carnitine and deRibose for the heart; and the list goes on. Maybe he's already on some of these things. Maybe you both are. But if he isn't and there's some way you can convince (um...or maybe even sort of slightly trick) him to take some of these things, over time it might help. I always say we don't have a long lifespan in my family. Heart attacks and strokes usually lay us low in our 60s and 70s, but I have a relative that I've had on supplements for a couple of decades and she's now almost 86. She attributes it to some of the food I've given and the supplements. Not sure if it's true, but I sure do hope so because I've been using the same things myself. Anyway, treat hubby gently because as you said, they are often more fragile than they'll let on.
ReplyDeleteDarcy, thanks for your suggestions. OG is pretty anti-medication in general. He takes a multi-vitamin every day and a couple of prescriptions, but preferred to attack his incipient hypertension and diabetes with diet and exercise. He was incredibly successful (lost 60 lbs.!) and is now a proponent of healthy nutrition and brisk walking.
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